The E’s.

Living each day with any mental health condition is tough. Different versions of tough, but tough nonetheless. There’s two significant differences between people with mental health conditions, and other people. The definition of two words, effort and exhaustion.

If you’re here because of your mental health, the word effort is enough to fill your lungs with dread. Watching a ‘normal’ person go into a shop to buy a can of coke and reappear like nothing happened, seeing them post pictures on social media of their super productive day, knowing that they’ve watched an entire box set.

How? How do they do that?

Effort is constantly challenged by people who don’t understand. Why don’t you get dressed? Why don’t you go for a walk? You’re not helping yourself. Make an effort.

Just Stop. Seriously, stop.

It’s not that I didn’t make an effort to get dressed, I didn’t not leave the house on purpose, it wasn’t my intention to do nothing today. But I did something. It used up every ounce of effort I had in my body. I fucking breathed. Over and over again, I breathed. And I’m still breathing right now.

Effort is so different in my world. I am making an effort every second, not to switch, not to burden you, not to cry. I’m making an effort to stay out of hospital. I’m making an effort to live.

Yes, sometimes I do what you do, in fact, I completely over compensate. I take on far too much to prove that my mental illness will not get the better of me. It does. Always. To do what you do, I put in one hundred times the effort. Going to the shop for an hour – takes the whole day out. A stroll around the park resembles Everest. Having a conversation is like a job interview. Putting in effort is part of the deal. You have to accept that it takes more than it should. That the smallest thing could leave you exhausted.

 

Exhaustion is another word completely misunderstood. When I say ‘I’m tired’, that is not to be met with, “maybe you should get an early night”. Tired means something different. Its half of the sentence. A shortened version of, “I’m tired of being ill, I’m tired of battling, I’m tired of living”.

Putting in so much effort, leaves you exhausted. You begin to notice every breath because you’re having to concentrate on taking it. An hour in a shop leaves you dead on your feet, and not in that common turn of phrase way, no, in an, I actually feel dead, way- I can’t function, I can’t hear you, I can’t process what you’re saying – my eyes are glassy and my pulse is nil.

Exhaustion takes many forms, physically, emotional, mentally. It’s the hardest one to deal with. Exhaustion makes everything worse. It saps your energy, you have nothing left to give, no motivation. Exhaustion is painful. It’s tension, everywhere. From my head, to the tip of my toes. And I can’t relax, I can’t switch off, I’m not even sure what that feels like anymore. My mind is active always, processing things that I shouldn’t even notice; calculating, counting, conspiring. Sleep isn’t the answer for exhaustion, it doesn’t help, it merely adds a separation between one day of exhaustion and the next. Some days I have no sleep, sometimes I go weeks without sleep, some days I sleep all day. It makes no difference. Time has no bearing on exhaustion, I am just as tired at 8am as 8pm. I sleep at night only because that’s when society says I should.  I am tired.

Having DID complicates it even further. Just because the mind isn’t conscious, doesn’t mean the body isn’t still active. Imagine if when you thought you were asleep, you’d been to the gym all night, imagine the exhaustion. Imagine sharing a car with eight people, and you squabble over who’s using it, every second of everyday, imagine the exhaustion. Imagine trying to steer your life in the direction you want to go in, and someone decides to push you back to the start every day, imagine the exhaustion.

I’m always tired. I’m always exhausted. I was exhausted this time last year and last month. I was exhausted yesterday, and the day before.  I’m exhausted right now.

Maybe I should make an effort and get some sleep. That’ll solve it, right?